Wednesday, October 26, 2011

how tye dye day of spirit week made me questions everything i am as a mother

check out that tye dye...
cute right?

i made that shirt in the very late evening.  my kids reminded me at 8:00pm (the official bedtime of bachart children everywhere) that the next day was tye dye day.  nadia could wear a shirt of mine, turn dress.  aidan was s.o. l.  (that's so-outta-luck, because this is the g version).  he was mildly disappointed.  no fits, just a little sad face and then off to bed. 

but i could fix that sad expression.  i should have been on top of these things, right?  i wanted to make tye dye shirts when we were camping this summer anyway, so in a round about way it is my fault that they are not already prepared, right?  and tye dye is easy, right?  i knew i could make due with a little bleach and some black dye i was planning to use on a sweater i wanted to love again.  and he would remember this always, right?  and he would be thankful because i stayed up late, right?  and even though tony said that i am being "over the top", i know my son and he will love that i made something special just for him.  and how nice it will be for him to wake up thinking he wouldn't be pepped up for spirit, but then all ninja like there the shirt would be, pep-pep-peppy and complete with spirit fingers supplied by me, right? 

or maybe he would wake up, take one look at the shirt and say, "you could have let me make that.  you know i like to do crafts like that".

what the what what?!?! 
did that really just happen?

no, "thank you".  no, "it looks nice".  did i mention no, "thank you"?

i have been fretting over this all day.  i told him that when he doesn't say thank you that it hurts my feelings and that i don't feel appreciated. 
he said he was sorry. 
he said he was sorry. 
yes, i said that twice because...well, because it is important for me to remember. because otherwise i keep dwelling on the fact that there is a real possibility that, one-i am raising a self centered, entitled, brat, or two-that i am taking all of this way too seriously because i put way too much pressure on the importance of this silly (albeit cute) shirt's potential to help aidan feel how much he is loved.

i have not decided what the answer is yet. 

should i stop trying to turn every sad face upside down?
should i stop trying to do everything so maybe they will appreciate the little things?

or is all about my expectations?  should i not have expected a thank you? 
i didn't think i did it for a thank you, i thought i did it to make him smile.  but maybe i did do it because i want my children to know i would move mountains for them.  and i would too.  but if they do think that, will they never work to scale a mountain on their own? 

see what i mean?
parenting is hard.   


PRP said...

First off, Aidan's face is that picture is killing me. Killing me! I love it!

Second, I would expect nothing else than for you to stay up late and do this sort of thing for your kid because that's the kind of mother you are. You are awesome at mothering and they know it. They might not always thank you for it, but they know it.

And they will scale mountains of their own someday because they've watched you do it their whole lives.

Parenting is really hard.

Bella Mente said...

Parenting is hard.. (not that I know from experience...) but do believe me when I say that these kids will truly realize how amazing, marvelous, loving, caring, and flat out wonderful you and Tony are as parents. They may not always say it now or act like it when they are 15 and going through all of life's little trials- but they will know and they will appreciate everything you are doing and have done. I promise :)

Mimi said...

Thank you both for your kind words. I hope you are right! I wish I could say it more eloquently than 'parenting is hard', but that just sort of fits.