Tuesday, February 28, 2012


she is more mastiff than great dane. 
on most days i don't call her great anything.

but lately, she has been lonely. 
she pouts with those big droopy lips and makes all kinds of sad sack eyes.

it kills me. 
probably because i love that mastidane face like there is no tomorrow. 

maybe i should get her a puppy?

Monday, February 27, 2012

happy birthday to my mama!

what can i say about a mom like mine?
there isn't another like her, and i wouldn't have it any other way.
i love you mom. 

Saturday, February 25, 2012

the perfect moment

why we were rocking out to 90's pop, i will probably never know.
when round here, by the counting crows came on, i sprawled out across the bed next to tony.  he was drawing up plans for more accoutrements in the backyard.  he gets all passionate about growing things.  it is adorable.

he was looking out the window to gain perspective.  the sun was warming the room and the wind was blowing something fierce outside.   

and i melted. 
it was a perfect moment of quiet. 

i know these moments happen often...i am working real, real hard to appreciate them more.

Monday, February 13, 2012

pretty little jog

around a pretty little lake
and up a pretty little hill
to see the capital.

and then i ate canned chicken and wasabi rice crackers with a banana for dessert.
oh yeah, i'm living large. 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

time for a little truth...1.0

i don't like to be alone.  i don't like to be without my family.  i kinda turn into a neurotic mess on the days leading up to a departure.  i start to have very real, and very irrational thoughts about leaving my children motherless and leaving tony melanieless.
...can i just tell you how much that sucks?  those thoughts? 

so, i write notes to my children.  one for each night i am gone.
i try to cram the most important life messages on teensy palm-sized pieces of paper. 
sometimes with pictures.  sometimes folded origami style.  sometimes a poem.  sometimes typed.
but always from my heart.  i want them to know how i see the people they are and how i see the people they are becoming.  always the good in them.  always the potential.

and always, a corny joke. 

and tony's note?  this time it was a letter.  a letter where i gave him a checklist of the qualities my replacement must have if i am no more.   i like to be prepared, you know?  prepared and totally off my rocker.  it is a good thing he loves me.  besides, i know him like the freckle on my inner left elbow and know his first reaction would be to never love again.  i can't have that for reasons i clearly outlined in article 3 items 1-4. 

whoever she might be, she will have some serious size sevens to fill if i do say so myself.
loving these three takes all that i am.

the sweetest thing

at this moment, i can't think of anything sweeter than the relationship between a father and his daughter.  when thinking about the life i wanted for my little girl, one of my greatest hopes was that she and tony would have a deep connection as father and daughter.  the notion of a girl feeling secure because her daddy loves her has some truth. so, i wanted her to know that he is there for her when she needs him.  i wanted her to have a dad who made sure she knew he believes in her, values her and loves her.   i wanted her to have the kind of relationship i have with my dad.

lucky girl....

she has it.

father daughter ball 2012

Monday, February 6, 2012

brace yourself

i know i should be lamenting about how my little girl is all grown up, but i have a better story for you.  (it is still about her, and you can check out the pictures below to see her first step into awkward prepubescence and you can even click here so you can see why this processes was a little accelerated)  and just so you know, i was all ready to be sad about my little girl growing up.  i had my woes all lined up.  but this is better.  seriously...

i picked her up just before they let the monkeys out of third grade and off to the feeding trough.  it is a zoo in there.  as luck would have it, my main man was in line with his arms folded and his lips sealed just like he is supposed too.  he is a rockstar in that line, but i did score not one but two kisses and a hug.  anywhoven...i digress.
we, the nani and me, get into the car and go speed racing down 240.  the sun was shining on us.  we were chatting away about the birds and the fish and the sparkling water like you do when you are about to cross the thresh hold from little kid to big kid.
it was blissful.  i don't say that lightly.  i mean, i got warm all over. i smiled from here to there. i was head over heals in love for this being that she is. if this is who she is growing up to be, what did i have to be sad over?  i was thinking how i really could spend every day talking to her like this...listening to her like this. 

i could not contain it!!  so i told her so.  i told her i wish we could do this every day.  and i meant it.
and you know what she came back with?

"i don't know all the things you know, so i need to keep going to school."

she thinks i know stuff!  and she thinks it's important to know stuff too! 

i can't get over this girl. 

and on top of all that, she is unbelievably gorgous.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

what happens when my brain is on treadmill

there are times when i run on the treadmill at the gym that i get stuck in front of an 7 foot tall window.  it's not so bad when you are watching sheets of melting snow slippity-slide off a building.  or when the parking lot is busy buzzing with cars and families and couples that you can spy on.  or when the leaves are swirling in mini tornadoes and the clouds have all of the makings of crazy dreams.

but after dark it is basically a mirror.  who wants to look at their own sweaty, crazy-haired, huffing and puffing self?  i mean sure, i can get lost in the prettiness of my clavicles for minutes at least, but a few moments into that and it is all about anything that jiggles.   

but sometimes i get lucky.  tony's reflection is in the windowy mirror too.  i get to watch him.  it is best like this, when i am watching and he doesn't know it.  otherwise he says i am creepy when i full on stalker stare.  like this, i get to stare at the determination in his eyes as he kicks the tail off 3 miles like its no big thing.  he doesn't know i am appreciating his every move.  he doesn't know that i am trying to think his thoughts. 
he doesn't know i am sometimes seeing tony-version 1994. 
the tony that was part of the us before babies and mortgages and careers and marriage.
i start to wonder if he knew then what he was getting into. did he know that the girl he asked to prom his junior year would thank her stars every night that she gets to wake up to him each morning? 

did he know her sense of fashion would only improve marginally?  did he know that the bottle red hair wouldn't last past freshman year of college?  did he know how frustrating she would be when she refused to read directions?  did he know that the daily habit of hagen daz in college would be replaced with too-many-times a week trips to vieras donuts?  and that there would be a day we would trade that bad habit for running and bike rides?
did he know that it was possible to grow together? did he know it wouldn't--couldn't-- get old?  
i'd like to think it was all a surprise. 
but part of me feels like even in that shiny blue dress with the built in necklace and under all that thick, dark brown hair that ever so slightly resembles a perched squirrel, we always knew. 

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

1 2 3 4 get your booty on the floor

i think in numbers.  not like how many hours of sleep did i get kinda numbers.  or even how many benjamins in the bank kinda numbers.  i destress in numbers, a little known fact that i realized the other day when i was counting stairs all aerobic instructor like [one and two and three and four and five and six and seven and eight]. 
i count.
i tally.
i work out math problems. 

i know! nerd!
my favorite is miles per hour.  when i am running, i like to work out my miles per hour pace and then figure out how long it will take me to run the next 1/2 mile or figure out how many minutes until my five miles are up.  or if i am running late, i figure use miles per hour to figure out how many minutes it will take me to get to my destination and try to weigh if speeding will infact buy me any time.  this was a favorite passtime on the drive from huntsville to walla walla when i was late for class.

i decision make in numbers too.  i eeny meeny miney mo, but with 1 2 3 4... if i land on an odd, it is a yes, an even is a no.  why odd/yes, even/no, because the word yes has an odd number of letters and no has an even number of letters.  or is it because i like being odd better than being even and so that is postive in my book.

where am i going with all of this?  i don't rightly know.  i just don't have anything bigger to contemplate right now.  for today anyway.  lucky me.