Tuesday, January 28, 2014

how we do things

I don't really know how we do things.  Things just kinda roll from one day to the next, picking up speed as time tends to do during life.  Sure we plan.  We are planners!  We plan and plan and plan and then real life happens and it all turns out just fine in any way.  But we do things.

Aidan goes on campouts for scouts.  They are amazing.  He gets to see and do things and face challenges that we can't provide in our little home.  But it leaves us a little wobbly when one of our four is not here.  So even when we plan for things and there are activities that fill the day we always end up feeling kind of lost.  

 So we wander. 
And we talk about important life events. 
And sometimes we grumble because it is cold and it is hard.
And sometimes we huff and we puff and that wobbly feeling and that lost feeling get all kerfuffled and lead us to some hard conversations. 

But then we get there. 
This time there was the top of Badger and a better understanding of how we do things together and as individuals.  But we do, we get there.  And we have come to this understanding that we can do this hard stuff and that we are in it together and then the phone rings.
Aidan is home.  We all smile and we rally and we run down that blasted hill to pick him up. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

slap 37 candles on it and call it a day

Today was a good day to wake up.  Yesterday suuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkkked.  
But today is my birthday so I just put on my happy face and felt the love. 
And do I ever.  I had so many kind words and well wishes and surprises from friends and family.  Thank you to all of you...and you know who you are. 

I think it is going to be a good year. 
a good year, but yet another bad picture. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

walk this way

Badger Mountain
The time has come in our little life when our kids no longer think it is fun to go grocery shopping.  They prefer to spend that hour in togethery-togetherness here at home exchanging a quick set of calisthenics and folding a load of laundry for mindcraft.  So that means that Tony and I spend our hour of togethery-togetherness with a run through Costco and usually a quick stop at Winco.  Sometimes we stretch our hour with a hike up Badger first.  We talk and we plan and we dream and we negotiate about our little life.  We flirt and sometimes we reminisce about how THIS all came to be.  Often we count our lucky stars, except it is lucky tumbleweeds out there, because we have each other and we have our kids.  But sometimes we get in these deep conversations about the world and ethics and religion and politics and policy.  It gets all intense and impassioned and sweaty because we are hiking after all.  Then it hits me.  This is why I first fell for Tony!  It's not like I forgot, really.  And it's not like I don't know why I love him today.  I can easily rattle off the hundreds of reasons why, but it gets fuzzy when I try to remember why I first fell for him.  It was a bazillion years ago, after all, and we were friends for so long before.
When we walk this way it is easy to remember.  I get this strain in my chest when I think of it.  Like a fullness that is about to break loose and I realize that it is hope.  Hope that someday my children will find the person that gets all up in their head like this. 

Sunday, January 19, 2014

enjoying the littleness

I like this kid of mine.  She is pretty fantastic all the way around. 
She is a little ball of awesome, really. 
Emphasis on the awesome and emphasis on the little. 

I realized just how little while I was trolling the instagram.  You know that thing you do when you have time to kill and no brain power to apply it usefully?  "oh, that's a cute picture.  Oh, that's a funny comment that person said about that cute picture, let's see what they are posting.  Oooooo more funnies.  I like funnies.  Funnies make me smile.  Hmm.  I know that kid.  Oooo and their friend that commented there. and click, click, click, click" lost in the instagram world and quickly realizing that ten year olds are not like ten year olds I remember. 

Except I do remember.  Some of those ten year olds of my ancient past were just like these ten year olds.  Primping and polished and batting their eyelashes and wearing the clothes of 15 year olds.  They didn't have the duckface but they had the alluring eyes down pat.  And of course, I looked at the ten year olds of yesteryear with a bit of curiosity and probably a little envy that I wasn't cool like that.  And worry too.  Worry that maybe I wouldn't ever catch up.

But my Nani is still little.  She is little and perfectly Nani, with her tea parties and her babies and her not caring about her hair or who is watching while she dances and sings and is her silly self. 
I wonder if she takes her time being ten then eleven will be easier?  Like, if she learns all of the ten year old stuff then she will be stronger for it.  I know she has to grow up, and I honestly I can't wait to watch it all happen, but I am so very happy she is staying little for as long as she can.  

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

ah january...

Hey, uh, January?  Can I have a moment?

Boring, little 'ol, looooooooonnnnngggggg January.
Normally I rally for you.  Since my beginning is in January and all, I feel like we should be buds.  Childhood friends maybe?  Normally we are.

But this time you are just tedious. And really confusing.  I'm sorry.  I know the truth can be painful, but you are dragging on and all "whoa is me" and "I can't make up my ever loving mind if I want to be winter, or spring or fall" with your wind gusts and gloomy skies and sunshine and near 60 degree temperatures.  You are supposed to be a month of wonderful new beginnings.  New routines.  New get-my-act-togethers, but you are just plain wonky.  I want to love you, I do.  I want to feel your hopeful, clean slate, organized, fresh faced attitude.  I want to be your champion like years past, but frankly, all I feel is a rush to push you out of the way.   Maybe we could mellow out for the second half of the month?  What do you say?

I'm in if you are.


ps I've included some pictures of the kids.  They think your crazy ways this year are awesome. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

what if we did?

What if we just quit?  The rat race, the rules, the have to's, the obligations.  What if we just left?

I had to move my car from one parking lot to another so for an efficient after school (or training rather) getaway.  Teachers, you may feel me on this one.  Anytime my students sit in class going about their student-y business without me tethered to them if feels eerie.  You don't simply walk out of the building during school hours without your chickadees in tow from 7:57 to 2:37.  And you most certainly don't have a moment to yourself.  And this day I had 15 whole minutes to drive the two minute loop around the parking lot.  I felt lost; buoyant maybe?  I attend a lot of meetings and trainings, more than most teachers (I must be really stupid or something), and I still can't shake this feeling that I'm doing something scandalous when I breech that door.  I feel like someone is going to grab me by the ID and haul me to the principal.

As I edged out onto the street, this rush came over me. It was this kind of pull straight from my guts.  My heart raced.  I don't mean metaphorically either.  I mean I could feel it pick up speed right there in my throat.  I couldn't look left to the school, my eyes locked on the road ahead and I was filled with this liquid excitement.  What if I just went straight instead?

What if I just bailed my kids out of school, grabbed gas and Tony on the way out of town and just left?  What if we quit our jobs and sold our house and packed up what we need and just did the nomad thing for a while? The journey would be our school and the communities we pass through would be our teachers.  Education on the road!  Learning on the fly!  The kids would be fine with their life experiences and a little math tutoring on the side!

What if we didn't have a plan?  or a mortgage?  or a calendar?

Or what if we did?  What if instead of setting out, we settled in?  What if we made a plan and started a business so we could work from home?  I could be mom and he could be pop to our own little ...I don't know what.  It gets a little fuzzy here, doesn't it? 
What would we do?  What could we do? 

And then I came to the red stop light.  Poof.  Reality and responsibility forced my hand to my left blinker. 

Friday, January 3, 2014

good morning sunshine

We haven't had sunshine in a bit.  Or maybe we have and I haven't noticed.  Not that I have been hiding.  We have spent this last lovely week here and there with friends and snuggled up at home in front of the fire.  I have just made a conscious effort to ignore everything outside of our little bubble. 
I struggle to find the right word for it. 
perfect? no.  Nothing is ever perfect, but this has been close.
relaxing? not really. But not stressful by any means and that is something.
satisfying maybe?  ya.  Maybe that is it.  nourishing too.  And eventful without any real events.

It has been this little bubble of satisfaction.

I'm not big on resolutions, mostly because I am indecisive and have commitment issues when it comes to setting goals.  I do hope that I put the bubble back up when I feel like we need a little time out from the world.  I hope 2014 is eventful but not over planned.  And nourishing for our bodies, our minds and our hearts.  and brings loads of sunshine, that kind of sunshine that comes from the satisfaction of focusing on the people in our bubble. 

So yeah.  2014, gimme some of that.  Pretty please?