Wednesday, February 26, 2014

done//not done//but done

A friend posted a little something on FB about the sadness of knowing you have had your last child. 
Oh have I felt that. It is often present.  I was just talking with my sister about it last week.  I am one to think in numbers and find myself often thinking my baby is 10, my oldest is encroaching on teenagehood.  Next year both of my babies will be heading to school at 7:40 and will be just across the street in their not so little middle school.  I miss their littleness every day and wish for more time with them in their perfect for snuggling bodies filled with wild and humongous dreams.  I am full with love of who they are and where they are and the stage they are in, but that longing for a perfectly curled up child in the crook of my arm is never that far off. 

I told my bff when I was snuggling her itty bitty baby that I wanted to put her little body inside my skin.  She gets me and she loves me so she did not immediately dial 9-1-1.  And when I say it I know it sounds totally crazy but I miss that feeling of a little one so close to me, you know?  And if you catch me on a good day it is probably because there are moments when I feel like I have this mothering thing down and I want a do over.  At least until the next stage hits and I have to figure it all out again...but...

We are done.  There is no going back.  We have the family that is meant to be and I wouldn't change it one little bit.  So instead I borrow babies.  But just cute ones, and snuggly ones, to get my fix.  And ones that belong to friamly because I don't need any calls to the nut house when I say things like I could just eat these babies up. 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

from where I sit

There is a dirty window clad in horrible dirty blinds with sun streaming through to my left.  I can hear the wind howling, just like it has been- and will be- for days.  I just finished my second cup of coffee.  That is a rarity.  Usually I stick to one on the weekdays but I am dragging.  Wah Wah Wah.  Who isn't?  That's the name of February's game, am I right?

But the sun makes me start planning and plotting and dreaming of long summer mornings.  I gotta pull back though.  I want to make sure I enjoy what February has to offer.  Like random game nights.  Will I lose my coolness status if I admit Settlers of Catan is weirdly fun?  And the MCT for the last time?  I will miss it (a little).  It is the season of school projects.  At the Bachart house we have a good time (mostly) of researching and powerpointing and video embedding. 

that's me, not winning
old campers, including Sienna, Nadia and MacKenzie

I am trying to strike that balance between dreaming of days to come and living it the moment, but I don't think I am very convincing.
My scale is tilted to the planning and plotting.  Windy February days are made for laying out our spring and summer plans and perfect for looking forward, if only to the weekend, don't you think?

Monday, February 10, 2014

girl of mine

There was this moment where I looked down the line of concert goers to see if she was loving this.  She's a mover and a feeler.  If music strikes her, she can't help it.  She has been known to dance right there in the check out line without a care.  But she is growing older and mindful of people around her and of damn social norms.  You could see it in her.  She wanted to dance and she wanted to sing as familiar songs resonated with her.  But she settled for swaying because she was surrounded by the fuddy duddy middle aged fans who were content to sit and clap politely.

She turned, smiled and I melted. 

During the last few songs we sat next to each other and held hands.  I joked about one performer's constipated expressions and she shook her head but giggled anyway.  She loves me even though I am inappropriate. 

Mindy Gledhill wrapped up the night with Anchor.  Before the encore at least, which was perfect because I needed that double encore to mop up my tears.  That song gets me, because this girl of mine gets me. 


 And that finger there in the right corner?  That's Karen's.  She gets me too. 

Friday, February 7, 2014

oh there you are!

you sparkly wonder, you! 
you certainly took your time, didn't you? 
but you came in beautifully.  fluffy and just enough for a two hour delay with a side of sunshine.