Friday, March 29, 2013

it takes time

it has been a while.  normally these posts are all about catching up.  normally i tell you how hectic life is and that it has kept me from my trusty laptop.  but this time the distance is due to a heavy heart. 
my cat died.

there i said it. 
cats die.  i know they do.  i know. i know.  i have no shame crying about the loss of a cat.  i love them.  growing up in the country we had so many i would pile them up on me and just be.  not really.  they are cats and most were kittens and so they would get antsy and start to wander off and so i would drag them back and pile them up for hours.  hours.  i loved them all.  there was always a special cat though, as much as i tried not to play favorites.  and this time it was spark.  sparkalicious-ding-dong.

even being raised in the country where you saw animals come and go, it was instilled early on that you are responsible for their lives.  truly responsible.  he picked me.  he was meant to be aidan's.  alice was meant to be mine.   she picked him and spark picked me.

and i miss him.  he had the bushiest tail and a slight overbite and spent way too much time sleeping in my closet and hated being inside all the same and acted like the door should be revolving at his slightest whim and posed for pictures and talked to me in his little meow meow voice every morning and expected a good rub down every night and really didn't care if i dressed him in hats and scarves and would pat pat pat my arm every night at dinner until i gave him a little treat and i still see him out of the corner of my eye peeking his head up in the kitchen window.  and i miss him very, very much. 

and i lose it when i think about him being alone when he died.  and i lose it because we assume he was hit by a car but we really don't know.  and i lose it thinking that he suffered at all.  and i lose it thinking what i could have done, what i should have done, what he went through. 

we brought him home.  tony buried him under the peach tree.  i made him a silly painted rock to act as a headstone.  aidan made him snowflakes because he couldn't cut out flowers and told me that it is not about his death, it is about the happy life he lived.  nadia sobbed and let me sob and told me he would be waiting on the rainbow for me.  my brother brought me donuts.  and so many have asked me if i'm ok, what can they do and have sent me love.  i feel it.  i really do.  and i thank you.  even for a cat though, it takes time. 

Monday, March 18, 2013

what we do for fun...

we play airplane, err, superman, err, superwoman...whatever. 
we do this stuff:


what we don't do for fun...
we scratch our cornea.  well, not we.  just aidan.  unlucky him. 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

the makings of a great woman

one that will call it like it is.
one that will make you laugh no matter how mad you might be.
one that will remember verbatim what you said one year ago, and use it against you.
one that will melt your heart with just the right words. 

i had another one of those not so fine mothering moments the other night.  it was all about the ridiculousness of school pictures.  all of my sweet nadia's clothes are hammered.  don't even get me started on her shoes.  and then there is the perpetual tandem dysfunction known as her hair and her nails.  i sound really harsh.  i love this girl more than the air i breathe.  please never mistake that.  she makes me love life.  seriously.  she has these moments of extreme drama which are often in response to my extreme drama.  and yes, i have them.  like her, they are few and far between but we kinda like to build them up.  let them get some serious steam and then unleash with an unholy fury. 

did i mention few and far between?  i think i need to again, just so you don't fear my company.

this girl.  this great woman in the making.  do you know what she said to me during this major meltdown?  well first, when tony said i wasn't trying to be mean she said, "this is you not trying to be mean!!!"  and then this girl says to me while i am expressing the importance of brushing your hair and finding clothes that actually match, she actually says, "do you remember what you said to me one year ago, mom?  you said that these pictures are supposed to be a picture of who i am at that moment.  remember that?" 

well done nani b. 
you are well on your way to being a great, great, memory-like-a-steal-trap-when-it-serves-you-best woman. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

good cop, bad cop

or is it good mom, bad mom?

or maybe it should be good parent, bad parent because after all tony was all mixed up in there.  we take turns with it, just like on the old cop shows.  sometimes he's good and i am neurotic and sometimes i'm good and he is impatient.  but i will take the heat on these and leave tony out of it.

for instance,
  good mom...

 i make healthy, and freaking adorable lunches.

bad mom...
  i make minestrone soup that my kids pick 3 kidney beans out of and make themselves a bowl of top ramen.

good mom...
   i instill a sense of confidence and accomplishment in my daughter by letting her bake all by herself.

bad mom...
  who are we kidding.  i was too lazy to help her so she did it by herself.  but i kinda feel like i get a half a point here because she did do it all by herself and it was deliciou,s so i must have taught her something, right?  

good mom...
  i reminded her to brush her teeth really well right before we went to the orthodontist to get her braces off and he fawned over what a good job she does.
bad mom...
  i am a terrible example.  i often forget to brush my teeth at night *gasp* and never wore my retainers.  i am now on my second try with invisaline, so technically i have had a form of braces three times now.

good mom...
  i let my kids ride horses because they love it and they love their papa.  why does this make me a good mom?  because i am convinced these filthy beasts are out to get me and my children too. 

bad mom...
  i laughed when aidan went up and over and fell off the other side while trying to mount up. 
  i laughed hard. 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

it's good for them

that's what i tell myself.  over and over and over and over again. 

national museum of natural history

i went to dc from 11:05 am on wednesday to 12:27 am on monday.  that is 6562 minutes without the loves of my life.  i know because i counted.  of course i enjoy seeing something new.  i love learning new things.  i love knowing that the work i pour my heart into to make a difference for a mere 2300 kids is worth something.  but i hurt being away. 

lincoln memorial

but they were fine.  yes, they missed me.  at midnight, when i sneaked in to kiss aidan's sweet sleepy head he opened his eyes and hugged me like never before.  they wrote me letters each day telling me why they love me and that they appreciate me.  letters i will cherish for my whole life. 

but they were fine.  tony was fine.  better than fine.  he did dad-things that would have had a whole different flavor if i had been there. he made them tow the line, clean their rooms and eat roast beef.  he coped with a minor catastrophe with compassion and efficiency and a whole lotta olive oil.  (don't ask). he taught them to rollerblade.  my babies told me that he laughed and smiled and skated backwards and that is a memory they will cherish for their whole life.
national museum of natural history