about being a mom

the other day left me wondering.  i wondered as i deftly slipped my foot into aidan's discarded shoe and flung it into the mudroom and continued on mopping the floor.  i wondered as i set nadia's babies on the stairs for the third time in mere minutes hoping that they would indeed find their way to her room.  i wondered as i climbed onto tony's shoulders and then up onto the plant shelf to deck some halls and again when i thought about how to rearrange the living room to accommodate the tree. 

it was really that moment of flinging the shoe that did it.  i did it like i have done it a million times and believe me brother i haven't mopped that many times.  but it was a natural movement.  a grown up movement.  a no-one-told-me-to-mop-the-floor-i-just-did-it-because-it-needed-done-and-i-am-the-responsible-one-here.  like an adult kinda movement.  bizarre. surreal really.  this mom thing.  being the one who makes the decisions for other lives.  i thought that feeling would go away after i had been doing this for a while, like at least by year 10, but there it is still niggling in the back of my mind.  am i ready for this? do i really know what the flagnog i am doing?  is someone going to come along and realize i have been faking this for way too long and give these little beings to someone who has a clue?



then i wonder if i wonder too much.