it takes time

it has been a while.  normally these posts are all about catching up.  normally i tell you how hectic life is and that it has kept me from my trusty laptop.  but this time the distance is due to a heavy heart. 
my cat died.

there i said it. 
cats die.  i know they do.  i know. i know.  i have no shame crying about the loss of a cat.  i love them.  growing up in the country we had so many i would pile them up on me and just be.  not really.  they are cats and most were kittens and so they would get antsy and start to wander off and so i would drag them back and pile them up for hours.  hours.  i loved them all.  there was always a special cat though, as much as i tried not to play favorites.  and this time it was spark.  sparkalicious-ding-dong.

even being raised in the country where you saw animals come and go, it was instilled early on that you are responsible for their lives.  truly responsible.  he picked me.  he was meant to be aidan's.  alice was meant to be mine.   she picked him and spark picked me.

and i miss him.  he had the bushiest tail and a slight overbite and spent way too much time sleeping in my closet and hated being inside all the same and acted like the door should be revolving at his slightest whim and posed for pictures and talked to me in his little meow meow voice every morning and expected a good rub down every night and really didn't care if i dressed him in hats and scarves and would pat pat pat my arm every night at dinner until i gave him a little treat and i still see him out of the corner of my eye peeking his head up in the kitchen window.  and i miss him very, very much. 

and i lose it when i think about him being alone when he died.  and i lose it because we assume he was hit by a car but we really don't know.  and i lose it thinking that he suffered at all.  and i lose it thinking what i could have done, what i should have done, what he went through. 

we brought him home.  tony buried him under the peach tree.  i made him a silly painted rock to act as a headstone.  aidan made him snowflakes because he couldn't cut out flowers and told me that it is not about his death, it is about the happy life he lived.  nadia sobbed and let me sob and told me he would be waiting on the rainbow for me.  my brother brought me donuts.  and so many have asked me if i'm ok, what can they do and have sent me love.  i feel it.  i really do.  and i thank you.  even for a cat though, it takes time.