i don't like to be alone. i don't like to be without my family. i kinda turn into a neurotic mess on the days leading up to a departure. i start to have very real, and very irrational thoughts about leaving my children motherless and leaving tony melanieless.
...can i just tell you how much that sucks? those thoughts?
so, i write notes to my children. one for each night i am gone.
i try to cram the most important life messages on teensy palm-sized pieces of paper.
sometimes with pictures. sometimes folded origami style. sometimes a poem. sometimes typed.
but always from my heart. i want them to know how i see the people they are and how i see the people they are becoming. always the good in them. always the potential.
and always, a corny joke.
and tony's note? this time it was a letter. a letter where i gave him a checklist of the qualities my replacement must have if i am no more. i like to be prepared, you know? prepared and totally off my rocker. it is a good thing he loves me. besides, i know him like the freckle on my inner left elbow and know his first reaction would be to never love again. i can't have that for reasons i clearly outlined in article 3 items 1-4.
whoever she might be, she will have some serious size sevens to fill if i do say so myself.
loving these three takes all that i am.