time for a little truth...1.0

i don't like to be alone.  i don't like to be without my family.  i kinda turn into a neurotic mess on the days leading up to a departure.  i start to have very real, and very irrational thoughts about leaving my children motherless and leaving tony melanieless.
...can i just tell you how much that sucks?  those thoughts? 

so, i write notes to my children.  one for each night i am gone.
i try to cram the most important life messages on teensy palm-sized pieces of paper. 
sometimes with pictures.  sometimes folded origami style.  sometimes a poem.  sometimes typed.
but always from my heart.  i want them to know how i see the people they are and how i see the people they are becoming.  always the good in them.  always the potential.

and always, a corny joke. 

and tony's note?  this time it was a letter.  a letter where i gave him a checklist of the qualities my replacement must have if i am no more.   i like to be prepared, you know?  prepared and totally off my rocker.  it is a good thing he loves me.  besides, i know him like the freckle on my inner left elbow and know his first reaction would be to never love again.  i can't have that for reasons i clearly outlined in article 3 items 1-4. 

whoever she might be, she will have some serious size sevens to fill if i do say so myself.
loving these three takes all that i am.